College Zombies

They aren’t the typical, undead type of zombie that first comes to mind – but if you’re a zombie hunter, a university college is the perfect place to find what you are looking for. The university zombies can even be classified into the manner they became zombies; allow me to enlighten you.

First we have the Sleep Deprived Zombies. As the name suggests, they became the walking dead when they didn’t sleep for several nights in a row, or perhaps went to bed at 4am and arose from their slumber at 7am for long periods of time.
These Zombies are fairly easy to spot, because if you see them at breakfast they communicate using the ‘Common Zombie Tongue’ which sounds a lot like “Ggggrrr….mmm…ahhh…ooofffff…” This translates to ‘Bugger Off – It’s way to early for this, I just want to sleep,’ excepting of course when it doesn’t translate to anything because the zombie is so sleep deprived that even forming coherent zombie words is to much. These zombies are less likely to attack, but caution is still advised.

One must look out for the Caffeinated Zombies. These zombies were once ‘Sleep Deprived’, however a misguided attempt to cure these people by providing them with beverages such as tea, coffee, ‘V’, Mother, RockStar, Redbull or other such drinks caused them to morph into far more dangerous versions. Caffeinated Zombies are faster, smarter, and generally more aggressive – especially when they are running low on caffeine. The writer suggests that wannabe zombie hunters should carry an energy drink in case needed as a distraction – but it should only be used as a last resort due to the increased risk factors that a freshly caffeinated zombie provides.

Then there are the Fried Zombies. These were created after many hours of staring at a screen. Usually from playing video/ computer games or playing on ones phone for hours. Everyone knows one, hell – I probably am one. This breed is significantly less dangerous, as they cannot stray far from their electronic device, and should the zombie hunter get hold of said device and destroy it the zombie may be rendered helpless long enough to escape. However, one must be careful when destroying the electronic device as it carries the possibility of backfiring; enraging the zombie. In such events, the advised course of action is to run for your life.

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Hungry Zombies are another breed. These are the fairly typical zombie. This type is always hungry; they might have had a delicious lunch of brains not half an hour beforehand when they suddenly feel hungry again. They’re always taking study breaks so that they can eat something. One needs to be careful of this kind – they can smell brains a mile away and will happily ditch studying with their fellow zombies for a tasty morsel of ‘ze’ little grey cells’.

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While these four are not the only types of zombies that the up-and-coming hunter will cross paths with, they are the most common and if you decide that you want to join the league of college zombies it is best to know what you are likely to come across; so don’t forget your weapons – a pillow, an energy drink, a computer and brains when you come to college.

Best of Luck and Happy Hunting,
Laura Mills

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About Laura

I was born in the hustle and bustle of Brisbane, mid winter, some 19 years ago. Since that day, I've had the pleasure of a pretty enjoyable life. I've done a fair bit of travelling, and no-where near enough snow skiing as I would like. My name is Laura, and despite my intense desire for a nickname since grade 8, I have always been known as such. As you may have guessed, I spent my youth in Brisbane. When I graduated school, I wanted a change, and so I left the comforts of home and headed into the perceived wilderness of a rural setting. Of course, when I arrived I realized it was nothing like what my friends had made me believe. However, I was just about the only Brisbanite living in my college so it made for a vast change in conversation topics. As I alluded to earlier, I am a passionate skier. A good skier however, well, that can be debated. I’m rather uncoordinated, much to my eternal disgrace. I enjoy bushwalking, and reading and very occasionally, cooking – so long as its something sweet and I can lick the spoons. At University, I study Nursing full-time, and am nearly finished my second year of the three-year course. I hope you like my rambles of college life, and perhaps I will see you around.

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